Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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