the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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