hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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