In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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