I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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