So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I touched a dick in church today
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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