I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
