I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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