A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
