Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
