I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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