Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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