why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Vodka?
Forever.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Come back. Shots need mouths.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize