all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
