The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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