I just saw a hot homeless man
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize