I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
