R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
