i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
