im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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