508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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