i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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