so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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