Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
