i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize