Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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