My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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