Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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