you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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