Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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