I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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