Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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