i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
