the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
