I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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