people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
where are you?
Hypothermia
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
