hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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