Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
