HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
