question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
