if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
