Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
