I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
