you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
