Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
