I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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