every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
