I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
