I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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