Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize