Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
