I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
