Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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