He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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