We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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