I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
