New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Drake has all the answers
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
