i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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