i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
