Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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