My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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