Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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