Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
