in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
