when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize