I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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