just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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