??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize